I’m trying to admit this lady in the ER, and I know her drug screen was positive for opiates. I ask her about her drug use and she tells me she uses heroin occasionally.

Which as a side note, I didn’t know people occasionally did heroin. Like, does this lady just get together with her girls on the weekends for a spot of gossip and a smidge of heroin. I thought you either don’t do heroin or you really fucking do heroin.

Anyway, the main thing I need to know is if this lady does any IV drugs. I’m now wondering in my head if heroin has to be injected or if there are other forms of using heroin. I’m also wondering if that’s a stupid question. Does heroin obviously have to be injected? I mean, I don’t know, are there heroin pipes or maybe little heroin eye drops? Now I’ve been silent for way to long and it’s making words come out of my mouth without stopping at my brain check point.

“so..uh.. how do you like your heroin?”


I have managed to sound like the waiter in a five star heroin restaurant. “-and how do you like your heroin, madam? Might I suggest our finest imported black tar. It pairs beautifully with the house Cabernet.”

She is unsurprisingly confused by my question. She’s giving me a look like she’s wondering if I’m about to pull any options out of my scrub pockets.

“Uh.. I guess.. I smoke it?”

Don’t worry, I have since watched an HBO documentary on heroin users in new York and I now know that heroin can be smoked, snorted, and injected but does not yet come in eye drop form. The more you know. 


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