Shit Patients Say

“…It’s been really hard for me to find shoes that don’t aggravate my feet, but fortunately my mother in law died recently, and her sneakers fit me really well”

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Just Heroin Things

I’m trying to admit this lady in the ER, and I know her drug screen was positive for opiates. I ask her about her drug use and she tells me she uses heroin occasionally.

Which as a side note, I didn’t know people occasionally did heroin. Like, does this lady just get together with her girls on the weekends for a spot of gossip and a smidge of heroin. I thought you either don’t do heroin or you really fucking do heroin.

Anyway, the main thing I need to know is if this lady does any IV drugs. I’m now wondering in my head if heroin has to be injected or if there are other forms of using heroin. I’m also wondering if that’s a stupid question. Does heroin obviously have to be injected? I mean, I don’t know, are there heroin pipes or maybe little heroin eye drops? Now I’ve been silent for way to long and it’s making words come out of my mouth without stopping at my brain check point.

“so..uh.. how do you like your heroin?”

Jesus

I have managed to sound like the waiter in a five star heroin restaurant. “-and how do you like your heroin, madam? Might I suggest our finest imported black tar. It pairs beautifully with the house Cabernet.”

She is unsurprisingly confused by my question. She’s giving me a look like she’s wondering if I’m about to pull any options out of my scrub pockets.

“Uh.. I guess.. I smoke it?”

Don’t worry, I have since watched an HBO documentary on heroin users in new York and I now know that heroin can be smoked, snorted, and injected but does not yet come in eye drop form. The more you know. 

OR story: making the first cut

I am helping to deliver anesthesia to a patient. I am controlling her consciousness. I am the all powerful overseer, except for the actual anesthesiologist, who is standing next to me, watching everything I do, looking nervous. He wants me to give her the fentanyl. That’s pretty simple. Except it comes in that weird glass vial. Which is totally fine. This doesn’t phase me. I’ve seen this done before. There’s a groove in the glass and you just snap it and it breaks perfectly into two even pieces. Okay just apply some pressure… alright it’s broken into thirty pieces. That’s okay, it’s probably still usable. Except that now my hand is bleeding. Maybe no one noticed? Although, bleeding in the OR all over the patient might be some kind of minor health violation. Time to come clean. “uh..” Raises bloody glove hand. 

Alright, slight hiccup. I am no longer in charge of fentanyl, and I now have a Disney princess band-aid on my finger. Which is fine. I’m not embarrassed. I’m sure no one thinks less of me for this. They put me in this corner so I can see better. It’s definitely not because it’s further away from the patient..and the expensive equipment.. oh. I see.

 

 

Stethoscalped

You are a cool, calm, collected professional. You are 62.5% doctor. You command respect. You… have your stethoscope caught in your hair. Ok don’t panic. The patient might not have noticed yet. Just ask her more questions.

-So, do you-(tug tug)-have a history of any- (tuggg)- medical- (fuckingcomeontug)- problems?

-Patient (pretending not to notice stethoscope vs hair): uh.. no…

-No history of- (TUG) hypertension or diabe-(MEGATUG)-es

-No, neve- RRRRRIP.

IM FREE.

Oh my god. That’s a lot of hair.

We’re both starring in horror at my newly freed stethoscope. It is now part stethoscope part blonde orangutan. Do I say something? I could make a joke. We’d probably both laugh about it. It could be a nice moment. No. You are a cool, calm, collected professional. Professionals do not rip their hair out then make jokes. Professionals rip their hair out then ignore the situation at all costs. Shit, she looks like she’s going to say something.

-Uh are you oka-

Alright, let’s check your blood pressure!

Places furry stethoscope in ears.

Nice. Smooth. Crushed it.

Mental note: professionals might want to tie hair back

Seriously guys, stop.

Can we as medical students just sign some kind of written statement agreeing to stop posting about ourselves on facebook as if we’re the world’s most important and essential human beings, while also trying to sound ever so humble and awed. While some of your facebook friends might be convinced that you hand delivered 12 babies today and performed open heart surgery last month, your medical student friends know that you actually just stood in the corner for eight hours wondering why every OR is 30 degrees and wishing that you could do something, while also being terrified that you might have to do something.

Awkward medical student problems

I panic every time a physician I’m shadowing goes into a room with a patient and shuts the door without inviting me in. What the fuck am I supposed to do now. Does he expect me to follow him in? Will he be pissed if I do come in? will he be pissed if I don’t come in? Did he just forget that I’m here? (probably). I could obviously just knock and enter, and then if he doesn’t want me there he’ll just let me know, and I’ll have completed a normal human interaction. But also, what if he’s decided to start some kind of spontaneous vaginal exam on the patient. What if I open the door just at the moment that she is exposing herself and a parade has decided to pass through the office. Now I’ve flashed this unsuspecting woman’s vagina to half the city. Yeah, I should probably just continue standing right outside the door. That’s not weird either.

Welcome expected audience of approximately 30 automated spam viruses and 1 human being who couldn’t sleep and clicked one too many links

Hello to my very wide reaching and highly stimulated audience. This is a blog by me, clearly, a medical student, less clear, and my thoughts on being a medical student, kind of. If you’ve some how stumbled here because you’re premed and you’re in the stage where you’re googling every single thing about medical school, this is definitely not going to be helpful to you. I don’t really have any advice or anything useful to say in general, just maybe don’t fuck up the MCAT. It’s kind of important.